The prospect of tasting rancid whisky came up in our last discussion, and it's been piquing my curiosity ever since. How do you know when a whisky has gone south as opposed to simply tasting like crap? Does it happen at the distillery, on a truck somewhere, or behind the bar? How can this senseless waste of oak aged malted barley distillate be avoided? What does it taste like? Is it dangerous to drink? Wait, why did you swallow that? That's nasty.
If it looks like scotch, smells like scotch, and tastes like scotch, you're probably in the clear. Bear in mind, that criteria spans a mighty wide spectrum, especially if you include Laphroaig. By now though, you probably have a reasonable expectation what those parameters are, allowing for some variation based on peat smoke, cask aging, etc. If it passes this test, and still tastes awful, it's probably just not your brand. They can't all be Lagavulin 16 or [insert your favorite here].
Unlike wine, whisky does not age once bottled, so unopened it can be stored indefinitely under the proper conditions. Avoid temperature extremes and exposure to light, store in an upright position, and don't forget to floss. Chances are your single malt came inside a cardboard box or tube to combat the light factor. Once you bring it home, as long as you keep it inside a liquor cabinet or similar dark place, you can ditch the tube. However, most bars keep their bottles on full display, so theoretically light could be slowly ruining all those beautiful malts. Same goes for anyone displaying their whisky in a crystal decanter, next to your monogrammed bell with which you beckon your butler to come iron your fancy pants. I keep mine in the cardboard.
I'm not sure the exact mechanism behind light ruining a fine single malt, but it may be analogous to effects seen in clear and green bottle beers. There is a reason why are you encouraged to stuff a lime wedge down the neck of your Corona, and it ain't scurvy. Exposure to light fundamentally changes the character of the beer, resulting in the dreaded 'skunky' flavor. Try to think of a craft beer in a clear bottle... I'll wait... At least here in Richmond, they all use brown bottles or cans.
Even green glass imparts its own flavor by letting in light. It's one reason Heineken, Beck's, Stella Artois, St. Pauli Girl, Peroni, and Dos Equis all taste so similar. Therein lies your plausible reason for choosing a 12-pack over the standard sixer: light-blocking packaging. Not to mention... six more beers!
Temperature fluctuation worries me the most. Assuming my future single malt left Scotland in pristine condition, the bottle has to sit in the hold of a trans-Atlantic airplane or cargo tanker, then in the back of a truck or railcar, maybe wait in a warehouse before finally making its way to its final air conditioned resting place. There's a lot of potential for exposure to temperature extremes over which the consumer has zero knowledge or control. I can only rely on the assumption the distillers and importer-exporters are conscientious about such concerns during transit. Or else.
Once the bottle is cracked open, and everything checks out, you have assumed the caretaker's onus. Oxygen is now the biggest concern. Not so much at first, but the oxygen:whisky ratio increases every time you pour a dram. Conventional wisdom dictates at the halfway point through a bottle, the tide has turned against you. Oxygen has the upper hand and is starting to wreak chemical havoc Walter White style on all those fruity esters and peaty phenols. Tread lightly.
You know that forgettable single malt down to its dregs in the back of the bar next to those weird bottles of bitters you get in your Christmas stocking? The longer you take to polish it off, the less flavor it will have. Your whisky has still not necessarily spoiled, but rather gone stale. Drink it faster next time, or call some friends over for poker night, they'll drink your free stale scotch. Cheap bastards.
I wish I had a number I could cite here. How many weeks/months/years does it take to reach the tipping point? The science is not in on this, I'm afraid. I'm pretty sure I've never kept a bottle longer than 4 months and never had this problem. I do have some top shelf tequila from a 2008 Cinco de Mayo party that has probably lost its sparkle by now. Good lord, how would you know ever know if tequila had gone rotten?
For a truly rancid, wretch-inducing, putrid scotch, the culprit is usually...drumroll...the cork. The same principle holds true for wine, but for opposite reasons. It is highly recommended to store wine bottles horizontally or even slightly nose down to maintain a wet seal on the cork, thereby minimizing the effects of oxygen perforation of the natural cork, and allowing for a slower air/fluid exchange oxidation.
Some oxygen actually benefits the maturation of wines, as we saw with the flor cap manipulation in different types of sherry. Proper maturation of wine depends on that slow oxygen exchange through the slightly porous cork as it ages in the bottle (think twice about dropping $30 on that screw-top bottle of meritage). Storing wine bottles horizontally tempers the oxygen influx, slowing down the process for optimal maturation. Makes sense to do the same for whisky, right? Nope. Tragic mistake.
High alcohol spirits with corked bottles must be stored upright at all times. Exposure of the cork to the stronger concentration of ethanol leads to disintegration of the natural cork, releasing particulate matter into the whisky, exposing it to the deleterious effects of oxygen and impurities, and in general making your scotch taste like liquid beverage coaster. Screw top bottles are becoming common in blended brands and Japanese single malts, but so far the Scots still consider them a bit gauche.
Other than tasting like the wrung out sweat from a pack mule's saddle blanket and wasting your hard earned money, I would not go so far as to call spoiled whisky dangerous. Instances of tainted cork whisky making people physically sick seems episodic at best. Bacteria present in a case of tainted cork is usually blamed. When in doubt though, call Poison Control.
Moonshine, however, is dangerous when it contains methanol (rubbing/wood alcohol, CH₃OH) mixed in with the ethanol (drinking alcohol, CH3CH2OH). You don't see that type of potentially fatal contaminant with whisky produced in a legitimate distillery. Methanol is present in the first portion of distillate ('heads/foreshots') to come through the copper cooling coils through the swan's neck, then discarded in favor of the middle cut ('heart of the run') by reputable distillers. Truck radiators are popular Appalachian substitutes for proper cooling coils, which often imparts lead into the whisky (not to mention glycol from antifreeze residue). Lead burns red, so the backwoods test has always been to ignite a spoonful with a match. "Burns blue, cheers to you. Burns red, soon be dead." Or blind at least, methanol also damages the optic nerve. Lovely.
Now that I've sufficiently scared the crap out of you, let's get back to tasting what happens when it all goes oh so right...
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